There’s a quote that has been on constant loop in my head all day. It is from one of my favorite works by C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed. The book begins with this statement: “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”
It is a funny thing, this life. No matter how much knowledge and information we have regarding something, the inevitable never ceases to provide a shock.
How much should one be called upon to endure, I wonder?
Strength lies in enduring. That is what I tell myself everyday as I wander my way through all the struggles of my life. They seem so inconsequential in the view of real pain and trials. So what if I am not doing what I wish to be doing career-wise? So what if I lost hours at work? So what that my life is nowhere near I imagined it would be five or ten years ago? Life has a way of giving perspective when one least expects to receive that type of gift.
I wish I had more faith. I wish I had more power of endurance. I wish I had more love for others. I wish I had more strength. The thing is that I can – I have the opportunity. I am still on this earth and as long as I live and breathe, I have the opportunity to continually improve myself.
My life is not stagnant. My life is life. It constantly ebbs and flows and provides me with experience and opportunities. Who am I to constantly snub my nose at the opportunities for living that are provided for me? I guess the point I am getting at or the point that has been drilled into me is to embrace life. Life is for the living. I, for one, am going to embrace and rejoice in this wondrous gift that I have been given.
So yes, grief does feel like fear. It is something that must be lived through – every agonizing moment. It is fear of the unknown; fear of this life that I have been given; fear of never living up to the expectations thrust upon me. Maybe, just maybe, by embracing this life, the fears will not be so forward in my mind.
So, those are my thoughts. A little jumbled maybe but it is what it is, I suppose.
“I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, however, turns out to be not a state but a process….Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.” – C. S. Lewis
The Mad Pianist