I’ve decided I’m weird or more aptly named, a freak of nature. Now, you’re probably all thinking that it took me long enough to figure that out – whatever. I was skimming this book a few years ago (one day I fully intend to read it in full). Anyway, in this book it says that the emotions that are needed for music making are first experienced. These experiences tend to be isolated from other emotions and thus are more easily accessible. Okay, so then I started thinking about when I was a child. As I reflected and shared some of these memories with my roommate at the time, I realized what a strange child I was. For instance, I had an imaginary friend (is that really normal?) that slept in the oven. Don’t ask me why but that was where it called home. I was also convinced that somehow my bike was rigged with a broadcasting system (like a hidden microphone or something) and that every time I rode my bike and talked or sang to myself, the entire town could hear me. Perhaps that is where my paranoia began…hmmm. Then there’s the whole talking to myself thing. It began early and has only accelerated – I mean, I talk to myself most of the time. Sometimes I get really strange looks from people if they see and/or hear me. Sometimes now I even talk in the third person – even in the worst possible places to do so. For example when I had my oral comps for my master’s degree, I was explaining the analysis of a piece by Beethoven and I told my profs that I had been confused by a particular section that occurs in the development and recap. I mean, I already had all my themes and such. I say, aloud to my profs, “I woke up this morning and was like, ‘hello Toni that’s not a third theme, it’s a transition!’” Okay, so that still mortifies me. Anyway, I will stop there but I’ve decided I was a strange child and that has evolved into me being a freak of nature. You can’t even blame it all on me being a musician…whatever.\
I also wanted to share some thoughts that were partially triggered by the same book I referenced above. I read a quote by Elaine Brown that says, “What we fear in the world is not the evil in it, nor even the evil in ourselves; far more fearful is the good in ourselves, that good being so demanding that we are scared to dare our full capacity. We are afraid of our potential vulnerability. We very often forget that if our being is right, our doing will take care of itself. It is always easier to pull in our horns; to play it safe. In other words, not to climb out on a limb. It is always easier to stay where we are, to bury ourselves in our ongoing lives. We know better, but we forget to remember that life needs to expand over and over.”
I think that life requires us actively taking leaps of faith over and over every day. Every day (okay, most days), when I wake up, I remind myself that I am ready. I am ready for whatever this day brings me. I am ready for the obstacles that I will encounter. I am ready to take steps forward because that means I am moving – not moving at all is really taking steps backward.
I am happy with who I am and who I am becoming every day. I have no intention of ever reverting back to the person I was ten years ago, five years ago, or even yesterday. My being is right and thus, my doing will take care of itself.
Peace and Love,
The Mad Pianist