I’ve been struggling with my identify recently. Not in the sense of what my name is – I do not suddenly have amnesia. I mean struggling with identity in the realm of not quite sure where I’m going, of what I truly want to do, what drives me, who I really am anymore. I feel like my heart pulls me in so many directions. I feel so curious about so many things and completely immerse myself in these worlds and lose a little bit of myself in the process. So much has happened since I last posted. So many changes, so many decisions, just so much.
The thing that has not changed is my desire for more from life. Life cannot be this dreadful existence of getting up each day and just trudging through mediocre tasks. There has to be more purpose and more meaning. There has to be more.
Today at work, I had this brief moment of clarity. I was doing some paperwork and realized that this is not what my soul needs me to be doing for the rest of my life. It was pure drudgery and life is meant to be lived, to be enjoyed…and I’ve not been doing much of that lately. I do not want to waste my life doing something that I am not meant to be doing.
I am not quite sure how to get to the places that call my heart. I do know that I will not give up until I figure it all out. My past has helped shape my present and, for that, I will always be grateful. It does not, however, dictate my future. I am not content to stay in this box that I was placed in so long ago. I am not content to live the life that others have decided for me. I have so many regrets in my life already, I do not want to add to these regrets.
I recently watched a program where, toward the end, Olivia Colman said, “It’s so fragile. Once you’re gone, you don’t want to be forgotten.” That statement hit me hard and I kept rewinding to hear that statement over and over.
There is something bigger out there than this mediocre existence that seems to plague my life. I want to be remembered. I want to have made a difference. I want to feel as though my life has meant something.