Here is me putting a little more of myself on the line. I am not a singer. I am acknowledging the fact. This is me conquering a fear and just having fun with music written by other fantastic musicians. So, there it is.
My soul, like some heat-maddened summer fly,Keeps buzzing at the sill. Which I is I?”-Theodore Roethke-
Do you ever feel like you are losing your mind? I mean really losing your mind. This is me – at least the me of now.
I have developed this huge fear of dementia – more specifically of Alzheimer’s. A person that has Alzheimer’s Disease has a brain that looks like Swiss Cheese – holes everywhere. This disease literally eats pieces of your brain. You forget people. You forget places. You forget experiences. You forget how to take care of yourself. You forget how to swallow. You forget how to talk. You lose you.
Back in the 1980s, my maternal grandfather had Alzheimer’s. He died not long after I turned five, so I have very few memories of him. In fact, I only have one memory and I am not sure it is even real. Over the years, I have heard my mom talk about her father during this period. He would walk and walk and walk and have to be brought home from miles away. He had moments of not recognizing his wife of many years or his children. She always comes back to, “I wish we knew then what is known now about this disease. It would have helped us.” It is true that very little was known and so members of the family were hurt much more by his forgetting them than perhaps could have been the result. The family had not been given key information to aid them in their coping with this loss of their husband and father. This information just was not readily available because it was still early days.
Alzheimer’s Disease is called “The Long Goodbye” for a reason. By the time a person does die, he is truly and completely gone. I see this every day at work. I see the grief family members are called to endure as they slowly lose their family member. Would I wish this disease on even my greatest enemy? NO!
I feel this incredible fear and almost certainty that this will happen to me. I do not want to miss or regret any moment of the life that I am given.
I often feel that my mind is this jumbled jar of thoughts, ideas, and warring emotions. This past week has been one of heightened creativity. However, with this creativity comes this feeling of unimaginable madness. I could not even begin to describe this feeling. It is like wanting more, more, more and being given a pittance. I want more time to devote to my art, more time for personal and professional creativity, more time to just live. I am happy and sad, satisfied and unsatisfied, energized and exhausted all at the same time.
So, for today, I live and create. Tomorrow I hope to be able to do the same. There will come a day, hopefully in the far distant future, when I may not even remember that I desired to do so.
Peace and Love (And Creativity),
There’s a quote that has been on constant loop in my head all day. It is from one of my favorite works by C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed. The book begins with this statement: “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”
It is a funny thing, this life. No matter how much knowledge and information we have regarding something, the inevitable never ceases to provide a shock.
How much should one be called upon to endure, I wonder?
Strength lies in enduring. That is what I tell myself everyday as I wander my way through all the struggles of my life. They seem so inconsequential in the view of real pain and trials. So what if I am not doing what I wish to be doing career-wise? So what if I lost hours at work? So what that my life is nowhere near I imagined it would be five or ten years ago? Life has a way of giving perspective when one least expects to receive that type of gift.
I wish I had more faith. I wish I had more power of endurance. I wish I had more love for others. I wish I had more strength. The thing is that I can – I have the opportunity. I am still on this earth and as long as I live and breathe, I have the opportunity to continually improve myself.
My life is not stagnant. My life is life. It constantly ebbs and flows and provides me with experience and opportunities. Who am I to constantly snub my nose at the opportunities for living that are provided for me? I guess the point I am getting at or the point that has been drilled into me is to embrace life. Life is for the living. I, for one, am going to embrace and rejoice in this wondrous gift that I have been given.
So yes, grief does feel like fear. It is something that must be lived through – every agonizing moment. It is fear of the unknown; fear of this life that I have been given; fear of never living up to the expectations thrust upon me. Maybe, just maybe, by embracing this life, the fears will not be so forward in my mind.
So, those are my thoughts. A little jumbled maybe but it is what it is, I suppose.
“I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, however, turns out to be not a state but a process….Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.” – C. S. Lewis
The Mad Pianist